Since my FIL was stable, we returned home Monday evening to attend to personal matters, wash clothes, and check on Satan’s evil minions (the four-legged ones). I was searching the closet for appropriate attire if or perhaps when it becomes necessary to plant my FIL. I smiled as I recalled the last occasion I wore my black suit.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that I lack awareness of all things fashionable. I favor functionality over stylishness. You can’t climb a kitchen cabinet in a dress or scale a fence, so I have little use for feminine attire. In the interest of pragmatism, I keep a black pant suit in the closet, just in case. Fortunately, in case means happy celebrations, as well as, necessary evils.

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I last wore the suit to my mate’s aunt and uncle’s 50th wedding celebration. Fifty years. It’s difficult to comprehend spending half a century with the same person, especially since I haven’t been alive that long. Having donned business casual for the celebration of life, it is only appropriate the pendulum should be dictated by gravity to swing in the opposite direction.

After issuing congratulations to the aunt and uncle, we made an impromptu decision to visit my brother unannounced.

As we approached the door, my brother walked out, and said in an stiff tone, “Can I help you?”.

Not one to ignore a tense vibe, I presumed we came to visit at a bad time. I continued to approach with the intent of speaking and departing quickly. I said something to the effect of being in town, and thought I would say hello but since it seemed inconvenient, we would be leaving.

Upon recognizing my voice, my brother’s face relaxed and he smiled. “Ah, shit! I didn’t recognize you all dressed up. I can’t see as well when I wear my glasses. I thought you guys were Jehovah’s Witnesses. Come on in and visit.”

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It feels weird selecting appropriate attire for a service that isn’t yet necessary. I don’t think the boy scouts were referring to funerals, when they coined the motto about the importance of preparedness. So much for being prepared. Wednesday AM we return to wait.

Yet another laborious journey south to accomplish great things has proved utterly fruitless. What was supposed to an opportunity to expunge the in-law’s home of extraneous artifacts and distribute family treasures, has evolved into an extended stay in the hospital waiting room.

Hours were wasted in committee meetings, pacing and sighing. Little accomplished aside from pissing off all the wives who were expected to abandon their personal pursuits in lieu of sitting in a circle to watch grown men think. Eventually, the thinking and pile making was interrupted by a medical emergency and an SUV convey was dispatched to the hospital, complete with passing on the right, and excessive speeding.

The inertia which has plagued my in-law’s lives, also plagues their deaths. Rather than bore you with extraneous medical details, I’ll abbreviate. We are at the hospital waiting for my father-in-law to die. This waiting, waffling, and pacing, is excruciating, just like one would expect it to be. The things which are uncontrollable are many, and the things over which we have influence are few, but still require extensive arbitration. If this is a democracy, then why does the weight of one man’s vote count more than the other three?

I detest the hospital clusterfuck. I don’t judge the mourning or coping technique of the others. We all function differently. Under the circumstances, I am impressed that most are functioning at all. The deterioration of his health in the past month is sobering. I hurt for nieces who are experiencing the loss for the first time. I hurt for my husband, who can’t comprehend how quickly time slips through our fingertips, and the importance of not taking presence for granted. I hurt for the Mister’s brother’s who are stumbling over themselves with great efforts to accomplish little, and I hate the idea that my FIL could be suffering.

I’ve contemplated the situation long enough achieve a form of closure. I am the lucky one…except for the self-awareness as I wait for the others to catch up with me.