Exchange #1:
Mom: I’m going to let you wash the dishes for me.
self: ?
Seriously, ask me to wash the dishes or tell me to wash the dishes. But letting me, WTF? It isn’t a privilege, nor is it a pleasure. Absolving yourself of asking, or declaring doesn’t make you appear more polite, it demonstrates a lack of humility.
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Exchange #2:
Better Half: (with attitude) You know if you feel like helping you could move these flaps…….
self: You know if you feel like asking, for help I’m over here.
Better Half: I did.
self: No, you did not. You made a declarative statement requiring no response on my part.
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Exchange #3:
FIL: A cup of coffee sure would be nice.
self: (unresponsive)
See Exchange #1, ask or tell. I am no fairy godmother wishes are wasted, and asking is not demeaning.
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Why is it a faux pas to communicate directly and succinctly? Even the most basic exchanges are couched in innuendo. What is it about relationships that rob us of the ability, and right to speak our minds? Does it really make a relationship stronger to pretend like everyone farts rainbows, and it doesn’t grate on nerves when “X” happens?
Are these relationships actually better, or are we fooling ourselves into thinking that because none of us are willing to deal with the defensiveness that ensues from stating the obvious flaws. I don’t mean cruelty for the sake of cruelty, but directness for the sake of improvement.
I’m going to LET you read my comment.
My working theory is that people don’t like to ask for anything, so they hint around, which is much more annoying because then you are left to guess at what they might want. I’m good at deflecting these things too. That’s the nature of passive/aggresive!
My sister is 55 this year and my mother STILL tells the story of when she once asked her if she would help around the house and my sister replied, “Tell me when you want me to help – don’t ask if I want to.”
I’ll admit to being one of those kind who do try to anticipate what others want. You might think that’s frustrating for me, but I think it’s much more annoying for my husband… who apparently wants nothing, ever, as he doesn’t speak.
I’m with you – I don’t like guessing what someone wants. Ask me for what you want from me. In the case of my wife, though, I am expected to know what she wants, she should not have to ask. To a degree, I see her point – I should be paying attention and know what color she prefers or that she likes fruit cake from Collin Street Bakery. I guess I’m enough of a male that I’m lazy in this area – I’d prefer that you just tell me what you want and that way I will always get it right.
Flip of the coin. I get annoyed that a guy who used to jump at any undone job so much that I had to ask him to stop now and then and sit to talk or eat dinner with the rest of us. Now, extra work hanging around gets completely ignored. Why? Well despite all his claims of not being a beer drinking TV watching jerk of a husband – he is however a computer addicted guy who runs to it immediately after dinner. At least lately. And then he says, “If you need help why don’t you ask for it?” Hmmm. I could. But I wonder why it doesn’t dawn on him that while he’s playing on the computer, I’m making dinner. And while he’s working on the computer, I’m cleaning the kitchen after dinner and supervising chores and bedtimes. To be honest it doesn’t happen all the time, but more often lately that it has begun to grate on my nerves. The smart thing would have been to take him aside and talk to him about it. But I stewed instead. Didn’t help much.
meno, i suck at charades, at least that’s what everyone thinks.
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De, out of the mouths of babes. I was raised to anticipate, and do where my mother is concerned…I can’t stand the thought of listening to that same disapproving tone I heard when I was eleven and washed the dishes wrong. Still sends chills down my neck.
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Bob, couples are notorious for those expectations. Sometimes it’s a test of how well you know your partner, other times it’s that humble problem about not wanting to ask. The point is it goes both ways. She says fruit cake, he says oil change…
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Maggie, I think sometimes women, are intuitive because they want reciprocal consideration from their mates. It isn’t that partners are trying to be selfish, but men don’t communicate the same way women do. Men are more direct. And or the record…I’ve stewed too, but asking turned out to be more efficient.