The problem with taking the high road, is the path is narrow, and dangerously impassable in some sections. The view is shielded by scrub brush and fallen trees. Passage takes longer, and the only validation is of a self-congratulatory nature. It’s no wonder the high road is less traveled.
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Last night, I had a difficult conversation. It was somewhere between the territories of Honey, I’ve met someone else… and Honey, I have a big gash on the door of the car because I cut my wheels too sharply exiting the garage. Not the end of the world, yet not something that allows sleep to come easily.
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If you take the high road in hopes of having your effort validated, maybe you aren’t taking the high road for the right reasons. Maybe you aren’t really taking the high road at all.
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I feel like I’m walking a tightrope (not because of who my spouse is, but because of who I am). I don’t want to draw him into petty disputes and force the taking of sides. It’s true we are partners, but I don’t recall anything in our vows that requires him to take my side in disagreements regarding mutual associations.
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If you attempt the high road, and are consequently treated like a doormat, are you justified in standing up for yourself? Does it detour the high road, or do you transform into a villain because of a single transgression?
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It felt like having to chose between him and me. It wasn’t a choice I was asked to make, strictly self directed, driven by my own desire to stand up for myself. I didn’t take the road less traveled, and I regret my choice will change things for both of us. If I could have achieved closure and allowed him to remain in the dark, I would have done so. In the face of premeditated destructive behavior, it’s better to hear it from the source rather than a third party, know? Own it, and know thyself.
It’s a two way street – you don’t have to take his side, either. You can choose to stand up for yourself. You don’t transform in to a villain, but unfortunately, there are so many people who are just looking for a single excuse to write someone off or validate their opinion. There is nothing you can do about that, and there is no way you can prevent it from affecting your spouse. You did what you could do in giving him fair warning.
I have found in the past that, when telling my wife of something I’ve done that is less than, say, hensible (but not quite reprehensible), she has been more forgiving than I worried she’d be. She loves me, if not for my foibles, than in spite of them.
I hope you had a similar experience in your discussion with your husband.
Taking the high road is often a path only celebrated in retrospect, and sometimes only by those who took it. I agree with you, if you cannot find satisfaction in having made that choice and instead look for validation in other’s recognition of it, then you should review your choice.
In a perfect world taking the high road should not mean not being able to stand up for yourself. However, we live in the real world. If you cannot deal with being their doormat, then do something about it and realize that you – and probably he – will have to live with those consequences. Hopefully the problems that arise from this new course of action are offset by the satisfaction of having dealt with the situation.
You gave him heads up, he agreed. That’s the high road right there.
It’s also not okay to knowingly let your relatives abuse your spouse. So you took a stand. I like it.
sometimes the high road sucks because what was it that I said to someone today?
oh yeah.
doing the right thing is not often easy.
and the easy thing is often wrong.
the high road invariably gives me a nose bleed
My husband often chastises me for NOT standing up for myself. So I admire your gumption. And I believe my husband is right. If you don’t stand up for yourself and allow the doormat scenario, then you will always be the doormat to the other party, and that could lead to some really miserable situations.
I agree with Meno. Spouses choose each other. When they say ‘for better or worse’ or whatever similar wording, they are promising to stand by you, to never allow anyone to abuse you. Anyone! Not even yourself.
I love that you question yourself because it shows a level of maturity and wisdom that many of us forego in the excuse of no time to think. Your vortex of thought often whorls me in.
De, he was happier about the situation, when he wasn’t aware it was a situation. He’s also been under stress with losing his father, and I didn’t want to be the one who added to the stress.
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Bob, your right about confiding in your partner. It never turns out to be as volatile as I anticipate, quite the opposite. Even knowing, I can’t seem to stop assuming the worst. There haven’t been any real repercussions for either of us yet. I’m beginning to think the other party is too embarrassed about the situation to respond.
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meno, I didn’t know taking a stand would make me so sick to my stomach…Of course days later, nothing has changed, no real contact with them. I am sleeping better at night; always good.
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crazymumma, that sums it up nicely.
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flutter, it’s because the air is so thin.
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maggie, my husband wants e to stick up for myself, but he doesn’t like how I choose to when his family is involved. Some things are difficult to say nicely when you are peeved.
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