Full Up
In times of need, it is prudent to accept needed assistance without condition. Placing stipulations of personal preference, when someone offers you the unsolicited benefit of their time or influence is high maintenance and self-centered.
There is also help that costs too much, inflating the value of time, and shattering eardrums, with the inundation of glory days and the unwritten requirement of entertaining and providing a measurable amount of grief to casual onlookers.
It’s official. I’m ungrateful. Feel free to chide me for my lack of decorum, but don’t be surprised by the absence of guilt on my part.
I’m sick of staying with my husbands pre-marital outlaws. In the interest of being fair, they have been excellent hosts. They have fed, watered, and offered transportation, but I am sick of listening to the same tired stories about how smart they are, and how stupid the rest of the world is. I don’t give a good god damn if I ever hear another word from their mouths about my husband’s ex-wife or ex-inlaws. His kids don’t discuss them as much as this couple does, and the. I don’t need anymore non-recipricating relationships in my life.Thanks, but I’m all full-up.
I’ve made it clear to my spouse, I don’t hold him responsible for his friend’s conduct, but I don’t think I should be expected to be present for these performances. They have no interest in me as a person, only a captive audience in their self-narrated sitcom, and I won’t be an unconditional listener.
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We returning home until my FIL begins deteriorating more quickly, or until, well, you know, happens. My pets deserve to be coddled. I need to be reminded of what my bed feels like, and maybe, just maybe I’ll be home long enough for a decent hike.
When necessity dictates the return visit, I will be staying elsewhere, even if it means curling up on the floor in the fetal position (of course, it won’t actually come to that.). My husband can handle the situation with his outlaws as he sees fit, provided he doesn’t stuff my mouth with sentiments I would not articulate.
I offered to handle the matter myself, but I suspect he fears my directness will reflect poorly upon him. My husband has many strengths, but worrying about the manner in which others perceive him isn’t one of them.
What does it really matter what someone else thinks, when they can’t be bothered with listening to all the details in the first place?
March 1st, 2009 at 8:02 pm
I’ve always favored the approach that, what they don’t know doesn’t hurt them. When you return, should they repeat the offer of a place to stay, just tell them you’ve had another offer of a place to stay - that you didn’t want to abuse their hospitality. They don’t need to know anything else.
or - you could tell them they’re just a bunch of self-important gas bags that need deflating.
whichever makes you feel better (or. makes better blog fodder)
March 1st, 2009 at 8:59 pm
I really can’t blame you. Not one little bit
March 2nd, 2009 at 11:23 am
I like bob’s idea, it’s kind of what Miss Manners would suggest, “Oh, we wouldn’t DREAM of imposing on you any further.”
I think you have written about these people before, to say how all they want is a warm body for audience. I second the sentiment that NONE of us needs any more non-reciprocal relationships in our lives.
March 3rd, 2009 at 10:09 am
Bob, I’ve used that approach for years with this couple. Ignoring the problem, doesn’t make it disappear, but rather serves as a passive validation. I took a middle ground approach. I told the Mister I would not subject myself to that for the next trip (or until the memory had significantly faded) and he could feel free to spend the night wherever he wished. He doesn’t want to rock the boat, and neither do I, however I have serious doubts of his willingness to listen to my friends or acquaintances engage in such behavior.
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flutter, too many strings attached.
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meno, I don’t care for the additional stress. My husband might feel emotionally indebted since this couple were there for him during his divorce, and I respect that, but I don’t feel it is my burden by association. I’m not interested in being confrontational, but I will be less available.
March 4th, 2009 at 8:24 pm
ack, sounds horrible. sorry. I have no suggestions as I’m one that ends up just saying what I think and sticking my foot in my mouth or simmering in anger until I blow up so I’m not good for advice I don’t think.
March 7th, 2009 at 10:26 pm
oh honey. you don’t even have to be there.
just go home let him do it and come back when needed….
March 8th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
sari, we stayed with another friend. I didn’t offer an explanation. If pinned for one, I might be honest, without the brutality, though it hardly matters.
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crazymumma, I don’t have to be there in their house, but I do have to be with him.